"Returning to Before Husband's Castration" 《回到老公自宫前》Chapter 28

 There were many ways to live off a woman, but Wang Da Xia was different from other men who lived off women.

He didn’t have “chopsticks”¹.

In order to take a shortcut for power, he entered the palace as an eunuch, he paid the price to live with the chopsticks, this was his only shortcoming.

On the face of things, it really literally meant shortcoming.

He was an eunuch, a real eunuch, he couldn’t be a fake— if he was he would have been dragged out, decapitated for the crime of dirtying the palace.

However, without chopsticks could he not live off a woman? Of course that wasn’t true, the humankind were able to rise up in the animal world to become the master of the world with dexterous hands they made use of tools, it is the crucial factor between primitive and civilised human being.

Only a human’s thumb can make the agile bending movement— the thumb could touch the other four fingers attached to the palm, because of this humans could easily hold and grip.

During evolution the fingers changed from short to long, becoming more nimble, convenient to make tools, even with a shortcoming, it could be made up for by making tools to become strong points.

Wang Da Xia was a clever person, who said you can only live off a woman with chopsticks? He could use his hands, or make a replacement tool, he could make all kinds of tools to live off a woman, he could also eat, Wang Da Xia had lost his chopsticks, so he made a pair of chopsticks.

In the last life, emperor Jia Jing’s forty-third year, on the first day of new year, the head maid of Yongshou palace Wei Cai Wei arrived to work late, she didn’t enter the palace on time, it was clear Wang Da Xia was an expert at living off a woman, his craftsmanship was brought to the point of perfection.

After returning in time, Wei Cai Wei stayed in the Wang residence, taking a prescription she had prescribed herself, she then fell into a deep sleep, repeatedly having pleasant dreams, she went through the days spent with Wang Da Xia in the previous life again.

The Wei Cai Wei dreaming revealed a bright smile.

People basically looked down but were curious about the meal partners in the palace, looking at them with peculiar gazes, even when Wei Cai Wei had first become meal partners with Wang Da Xia, she thought it was awkward and didn’t take this marriage seriously, he was only a tool for revenge.

However her body and heart were moved, falling deeply, only then did Wei Cai Wei discovered, if they both gave their body and hearts to each other, mutual respect and affection, meal partners were no different from normal husbands and wives.

Without that pair of chopsticks, Wang Da Xia was still able to live off a woman with relish, she was also happy to lend him her influence, paving a clear path for Wang Da Xia to succeed, letting him live off her.

During the transition to a new dynasty, Wang Da Xia became the Chief eunuch of Easter Depot, his supporter favoured concubine Shang Shou became the imperial concubine of the late emperor, Wei Cai Wei gradually withdrew from the politics of the palace, from being a meal partner where the woman was in power and the man was weaker, the situation reversed.

However Wang Da Xia didn’t change his tune like some of the men who lived off women once they achieved their goals, turning on the other having had their fill and retaliating against the women who onced supported them.

Wang Da Xia was used to living off a woman, his stomach couldn’t tolerate “hard food”, from the start to end he was a man who lived off a woman in front of her, always treating her well, even risking his life to save her, up to his death he still promised to become husband and wife in their next life, give her a child to make up for the only regret he had in this life.

In the last life Wang Da Xia lived off a woman, he was aware he was living off a woman, he tried to hide all his weak points in front of Wei Cai Wei, showing his strong points.

Wang Da Xia didn’t just chop off his chopsticks? When he raised his blade to castrate himself, he also cut off his reckless behaviour, arrogance and obstinance, frivolity, his innocence that he could help the needy for justice and save the world, a wildly grown youngster like a weed.

Wei Cai Wei only really saw his good sides, hardworking, resourceful, considerate, brave, loyal and dependable— of course, except for his horrifying taste, just as in the past he liked all the colours of spring, shiny and sparkling things.

After rebirth Wei Cai Wei got to know another side of Wang Da Xia, obviously she couldn’t accept it all at once, but she couldn’t forget her feelings from before, even though the Wang Da Xia before castration and the one in her memory were two completely different people, angering her three times a day, Wei Cai Wei still took the risk to remain in the capital to stop him from castrating himself, standing by him.

When Wei Cai Wei dreamt of the love and happiness between her and her previous husband, Wang Da Xia had stayed up to explain to Lu Ying, who had rushed over on receiving the news, in detail how the two of  them had worked together to subdue Zhou Xiaoqi.

Of course, considering Wang Da Xia’s boastful nature, he added extra details to his part, “...seeing doctor Wang’s eye was about to be dripped with boiling wax, I rushed over using my hand to protect her eye, with a zi, I felt a sharp pain on the back of my hand, a huge blister had formed! But I bore the pain and hit the evildoer right in the face, knocking him to the ground.”

Lu Ying asked: “Which hand did the wax fall on? Let me see.”

This was candle wax, not boiling iron!

Wang Da Xia pulled back his hands, hiding them under the table, “I applied doctor Wei’s burn cream, it’s already fine.”

Lu Ying said: “Can you act more seriously? Doctor Wei has already slept after taking medicine, I can only ask you, if you talk rubbish like this, how can I report to Lord Lu in the morning? To give you credit?”

Wang Da Xia heard credit, he promptly asked: “How much money will the reward be? A hundred silvers?”

Lu Ying said: “Embroidered uniform guards are rewarded, but this case hasn’t been solved, the reward can’t be given right now, but since you were acting on behalf of the embroidered uniform guards, a minor figure from outside, you captured an evildoers this time, I can put your name in the embroidered uniform guard’s register, you can have an official salary and provisions from now on, if you’re handling a case outside, lodging can be reimbursed and you won’t have to pay out of your own pocket. In the summer you’ll be provided with ice, coal provided in winter, at new year and other festivities you’ll be given things to bring home.”

From being an outsider to an insider.

“That’s all?” Wang Da Xia was greatly disappointed.

Lu Bing had just taught Lu Ying how to influence others, the embroidered uniform guards needed Wang Da Xia’s talents, Lu Ying held back from saying “If you want to work then work if not get lost”, he patiently explained to Wang Da Xia what it means to work on the inside: “If you’re injured or handicapped, you’ll still receive your salary, the embroidered uniform guards will support you for life! If you unfortunately die, the embroidered uniform guards will leave a position for your descendant, they would only need to pass the weapons and horse riding exam, they can take your vacancy.”

Wang Da Xia opened his mouth widely, surprised at how little Lu Ying understood the ways of the world: You want to recruit me into the embroidered uniform guards, like drawing a large flat bread, at least draw it large and round so it looks enticing and tasty! As soon as you open your mouth you talk about handicapped and death and so on, it was very unappetising, even if there was a gold mine in front of me I would hesitate.

If leader Lu was fortunate enough to reincarnate as Lord Lu’s illegitimate child, otherwise how would he be able to survive in the officialdom with such honesty?

Lu Ying saw Wang Da Xia had still to respond, he racked his brain over what was good about being an embroidered uniform guard, “Handling a case and working with me means you’ll be able to make a name for yourself easier than other embroidered uniform guards, if you happen to catch the eye of the emperor in the future, you’ll rapidly go up in the world, there would be no limit to your future.”

These words weren’t so bad, it seems Lu Ying was honest but not stupid, he was learning how to be pragmatic, he wasn’t inflexible to the core and was learning how to draw a large flat bread for Wang Da Xia.

However, these things didn’t interest Wang Da Xia.

Wang Da Xia tiredly rubbed his eyes, “Can you change this to silver? I only need silver, not a job.”

He was already of an age yet Lu Ying had never heard someone to down the embroidered uniform guards, “You don’t want to join the embroidered uniform guards?”

Lu Ying suspected he had misheard him.

En, Wang Da Xia nodded, yawning, “Yes, in the past, now, in the future, I don’t want to work for the embroidered uniform guards, I am working for the embroidered uniform guards temporarily only because I am forced to— my personal money is still in Lord Lu’s hands, I’m doing this for money.”

Lu Ying asked: “Why? Is the embroidered uniform guards worse than the northern city military?”

Wang Da Xia candidly said: “I have food and drink and money to spend, I live in a residence by Shichahai which had been passed down for five generations, a normal fifth ranked official in the capital doesn’t live as well as me. Why on earth should I look for a job?”

Lu Ying asked: “You plan to live your life like this?”

Wang Da Xia nodded: “That’s right, my family has a readily available Qianhu position for me to inherit, I can be a Qianhu just by doing nothing, a fourth ranked military official, why would I make a rod for my own back, facing dangers and risking being handicapped or dying for the sake of being an embroidered uniform guard? I’m not stupid.”

“You—” Lu Ying had nothing to say, Wang Da Xia was truly lazy.

All this was heard by Mu Baihu who stood silently to the side, he felt this was a once in a blue moon opportunity, he said: “It doesn’t matter if you go or not, you need to first thank leader Lu for recognising you.”

Mu Baihu had an impact, Wang Da Xia half-heartedly cupped his hands and said: “Many thanks for your recognition, unfortunately I don’t dare to accept.”

Mu Baihu said: “I have a suggestion, you should have a go— your father’s position will definitely be yours in the future, you can’t run away from it, but you only have an empty title with no true experience, it is pointless without an army or soldiers.”

“When your father succeeded the position, he had worked in the northern city military for over thirty years, patrolling the streets in the wind and rain to become the commander of the northern city military, this isn’t a bad idea.”

Lu Ying saw Mu Baihu was helping him, so he added, “An empty title without power, no matter how much money there is it won’t be sustainable, like a rootless duckweed, it’s certain the family will decline, and if there’s a lawsuit, the title can be stripped away, you’ll have no authority and no power, who will speak up for you? A Qianhu begging on the streets, there are even earls and marquises, do you want to keep them company in the future?”

Mu Baihu suddenly nodded, “I agree, second young master, there’s a high salary and good benefits working for the embroidered uniform guards, going to morning roll calls then returning home at night, not like your father, even at his age, every few days he needs to stay up all night on patrol. Besides you have leader Lu and Lord Lu as your supporters, when you have to take the merit exam you’ll definitely pass on the first go, who would dare to hinder you and abuse their power?”

Succeeding the title was Wang Da Xia’s Achilles heel, as soon as it’s touched it was effective.

Wang Da Xia understood as well, based on his abilities, apart from succeeding the title, he had no other opportunity for advancement, if he didn’t even have the title as a security blanket, he would have nothing, he dreaded having to hold a broken bowl in the streets begging.

Wang Da Xia was a little moved, but, he still frowned: “This job doesn’t sound bad, but it’s a too far away from home, I need to traipse from the north to the south of city, morning call at chenshi² each day, I would need to get up early daily, I’m used to sleeping in, I won’t be able to get up.”

Wang Da Xia’s idea job was “two more, one less and close by”: More money and benefits, less work and close to home.

Leader Lu was speechless, each day Wang Da Xia broadened his horizons, showing him what was a first class dandy.

Mu Baihu’s heart was simply breaking over Wang Da Xia’s future, “Embroidered uniform guards is indeed a little far from home, but it doesn’t matter, I’ll persuade the Qianhu to rent a house near the office, you don’t have to worry about it. You won’t have to rush around, everyday you can sleep more.”

Wang Da Xia then nodded, “Fine, I’ll listen to Mu Baihu. But, let’s be frank, father will have to fork out the rent and my daily expenses, my mere salary wouldn’t be able to support me.”

Mu Baihu said like coaxing a child: “That’s only natural, the house will also be big, it can’t be too unpresentable that your colleagues will look down on you.”

Wang Da Xia had never lived alone in his life, suddenly he was looking forward to his future life.

I’m free, no one will control me!

Lu Ying didn’t think the future prospects as an official would be useless, Mu Baihu used a little nudge and benefits to entice Wang Da Xia into agreement!

It was truly…consistent with the way Wang Da Xia acted, influencing someone, varied from individual, using his weak points to control him only then would he listen to me.

Lu Ying tapped on the table, breaking Wang Da Xia’s thoughts, “Continue, it’s almost light, I still haven’t finished recording your statement.”

When Wang Da Xia had finished giving his account with no embellishments, he looked over the statement once and signed his name, it was already dawn, the night curfew ended, the stalls which sold breakfast came out into the streets in succession, there were also those pushing their carts along the streets hawking their wares, Wang Da Xia was hungry again, he ordered a bowl of soft bean curd, “...I don’t want coriander!”

Lu Ying got up: “I’ll see if doctor Wei has awakened.”

Wang Da Xia shouted out it was hot while he glugged down the soft bean curd, wiping his mouth he chased after him, “I’ll go with leader Lu.”

Lu Ying asked: “Didn’t you say you want to take a nap?”

“First, that is my home, if I want to go I’ll go, second—” Wang Da Xia shot a glance at Lu Ying, “A man and woman shouldn’t be alone together, doctor Wei is asleep, if you—, I’m not at ease.”

Lu Ying found it hard to believe, “Isn’t it more worrisome for doctor Wei to be alone with you.”

Wang Da Xia said: “How can that be! That’s my home, a rabbit doesn’t eat the grass near it’s nest, don’t talk nonsense.”

Ai, it wouldn’t be easy to tame this Wang Ya Nei.

In the neighbouring Wang residence, Wei Cai Wei had still not woken up, medicine covered her neck, the bleeding had already stopped, her complexion was as pale as paper, there were still traces of being tied with rope around her wrists, Zhou Xiaoqi had tied her up too tightly, the rings of bruises had become red-purple.

Seeing the young widow’s appearance, the guilt in Lu Ying’s heart prevailed over his suspicions, he had always thought the young widow was the biggest suspect, but now she had become a victim, if Wang Da Xia had been slower and had not understood the young widow’s hint “refreshing pill”, what horrors would have occurred on her body?

Lu Ying pushed the door open and left, sighing: “I shouldn’t have without evidence and only on the premises that she was seventeen years old, having entered the city seven days ago, and being the same age as second young lady He, to be suspicious of her, making Zhou Xiaoqi pay attention to her and experiencing such distress.”

Wang Da Xia said: “There’s no use in apologising, just compensate her for the medicine, loss of work and the mental trauma, also money to repair the house and everything she had lost last night.”

Lu Ying asked him: “Apart from money, can you say anything else?”

Wang Da Xia smiled: “If you give me money I’ll tell you.”

Lu Ying: This guy is so overly money-orientated he can be a demon.

At the same time, in the southern city, Jiangmi lane, embroidered uniform guard’s office, before commander Lu Bing took morning roll call he arrived in a carriage pulled by five horses to the office, as an official under Jia Jing they didn’t need to attend morning court, they could sleep longer, but after Lu Bing had been woken up last night by the northern city military with news, he couldn’t fall back asleep.

An old official like Lu Bing had experienced trials and hardships, what has he not seen?

Chen Qianhu and his son’s murder were only a trivial matter, there was no need for his involvement, but the “minor official Ding Wu” on Wei Cai Wei’s household record made him think of the calamity in the capital ten years ago.

He couldn’t sleep, that calamity was his internal suffering,he would bring it to the grave.

Ten years ago, during the Genxu revolution, the Mongolian An Da Khan led troops marching directly to the outside of the Beijing city and fought for half a month.

Lu Bing protected the city, outside the victims with children in toll flocked to the city gate, begging for entry into the city to avoid the crossfire.

In order to steadily remain in his position as commander of the embroidered uniform guards, his hands were covered in blood, Lu Bing absolutely couldn’t be considered a man of honour.

Lu Bing was the emperor Jia Jing’s wetnurse’s son, emperor Jia Jing was originally only a small vassal state prince in Anlu, Hubei, from a branch of the imperial family, he had no chance of being the emperor.

However the heirs of emperor Zheng Tong died.

Chenghua dynasty, emperor Cheng Hua doted on concubine Wan, he even deposed of the empress for concubine Wan, concubine Wan was a tyrant, she threatened the crown prince’s life several times, psychologically affecting the crown prince.

The crown prince ascended the throne, he was named emperor Hong Zhi, emperor Hong Zhi learned the lesson of favouring a concubine leading to the fall of a nation, he only had empress Zhang in his lifetime, there were no concubines in the rear palace, empress Zhang only gave birth to one son who survived, the future emperor Zheng De.

Emperor Zheng De was a pervert, he liked married women, widows and prostitutes, but wouldn’t touch the earnest empress in the palace, as a result he died without a heir and didn’t have any brothers, the Zheng Tong imperial family declared the succession had ended.

According to the imperial family, when an older brother died the younger succeeded, the succession carried on until it came to emperor Hong Zhi’s younger brother— emperor Jia Jing’s father was prince Xingxian, but prince Xingxian died at an early age, the title of emperor fell on  the at then only fifteen years old emperor Jia Jing.

After emperor Jia Jing ascended the throne, in order to confer the title of emperor on his father, he moved his memorial tablet to the ancestral shrine, replacing the previous main imperial family with his branch family, causing the “great rites controversy” in the court, all the officials who tried to stop him were either framed as criminals by the embroidered uniform guards and put to death, those demoted were demoted.

Emperor Jia Jing the branch family vassal prince took advantage of the “great rites controversy” to get rid of dissidents and stabilised his position, Lu Bing’s sword “could not go unnoticed”, there was a lot of innocent blood on his hands.

However Lu Bing wasn’t a devil, he looked expressionless and iron faced, but he was also kindhearted and nice.

Seeing the victims crying in grief outside the city, he entered the palace to have an audience with emperor Jia Jing, persuading emperor Jia Jing to open the city gate and let the victims in, he would send troops to cut off the end to prevent the Mongolian troops from taking the opportunity to enter the city.

Even though Lu Bing had a good reputation with the emperor’s trust, if it was anyone else, emperor Jia Jing absolutely wouldn’t agree.

Lu Bing received emperor Jia Jing’s verbal order, he opened the gate to let the victims in, and organised a suicide squad in the embroidered uniform guards, to counterattack, protect the retreating victims and engage in battle with the Mongolians.

All the victims entered the city, the suicide squad all died.

The list of names of the suicide squad, Lu Bing always kept a copy and gave the family members of the squad double compensation.

He Qianhu was on this list of names, originally He Qianhu had failed to do his duty, he had not promptly passed on the information about An Da Khan invading south to Lu Bing, his entire family should have been executed and their property confiscated, but He Qianhu volunteered to join the suicide squad, and had already died in battle, Lu Bing plead for leniency, changing the two daughters punishment of beheading to being official slaves.

When He Qianhu and Chen Qianhu had betrothed their children, the superior Lu Bing had gone to the celebratory drinks, Chen Qianhu bought the He family’s daughters and vowed to take good care of them for the rest of their lives, Lu Bing believed in Chen Qianhu so he didn’t get follow-up.

Lu Bing thought, it’s only two more mouthfuls to look after, it would be very easy, he was busy, very soon this matter was tossed to the back of his mind, no longer asking about it.

Lu Bing was very busy, he was occupied with finding a scapegoat for the emperor, too busy to ask how the two daughters of the He family were doing and other trivial matters.

After the great rites controversy, extraordinary shame and humiliation, emperor Jia Jing as the emperor had not attended court for over twenty years, absorbed in immortality and concocting pills, he had to shoulder most of the responsibility.

However the emperor was the ruler, he couldn’t have made a mistake.

Even if he had, it would still be his subjects who made the mistake, not promptly becoming aware of the enemy’s movements, not admonishing the emperor.

That’s why Lu Bing as the emperor’s nursemaid’s son, his most trusted official, had to find a way for someone to bear the blame to placate the people.

Who could he find?

Normally, it ought to be the head of the officials— the chancellor of the cabinet Yan Song was the most responsible, because he was in the greatest position, the chancellor of the cabinet was like a prime minister, enemies invading and reaching their gates, if he wasn’t to blame, who was?

However Yan Song was looked on fondly by emperor Jia JIng, he was also Lu Bing’s family by marriage: Yan Song was undividedly loyal and dependable on his wife and children, he only had one son Yan Shi Fan.

Yan Shi Fan had a son called Yan Shao Ting who married Lu Bing’s second daughter.

His relative by marriage Yan Shi Fan said to Lu Bing: “Surging waters flooded the Dragon King temple, family not recognising family, we are related by marriage, my son is your second son-in-law, they have a child, my grandson is your grandson. This blame can’t be born by my father.”

“You need to find another scapegoat, I think the high official ministry of War Ding Ru Kui would be a good choice, he’s the highest ranked official in the Ming army, it’s his army which failed to stop An Da Khan, and it was him who ordered the city’s troops to not resist, shutting the gates, only defend and not fight.”

These words held the truth, but the high official ministry of war Ding Ru Kui’s superior was the chancellor of the cabinet Yan Song, it was Yan Song who didn’t want Ding Ru Kui to fight, saying “after An Da Khan has plundered enough, he will just lead his army away”.

If it wasn’t for Yan Song’s words, Ding Ru Kui wouldn’t have dared to choose the strategy of protecting the city, causing the land outside the city to become scorched earth.

Lu Bing knew this clearly, but took Yan Shi Fan’s suggestion, giving Ding Ru Kui’s name to emperor Jia Jing, emperor Jia Jing agreed, wanting Ding Ru Kui to be the scapegoat, he was sentenced to beheading.

His wife was sent thousands of miles away as punishment and died on the road, his son Ding Wu was sent to the north to Tieling prefecture.

Lu Bing’s conscience was uneasy, he thought of ways to delay Ding Ru Kui’s beheading, he managed to drag it out for ten years, now Ding Ru Kui was still locked in the imperial prison quite well!

Last night his subordinate had already produced a report on Ding Ru Kui’s son Ding Wu these last ten years and placed it on Lu Bing’s desk.

Lu Bing hurriedly read through it, then he stood up and went to the embroidered uniform guard’s imperial prison.

The imperial prison was a terrifying place the officials heard about, equally as famous as the Eastern Depot prison.

Ding Ru Kui was locked in a cell by himself.

Ding Ru Kui’s cell was clean and tidy, the walls had just been repainted this year, there was a little window at the southeast corner, it was the only source of light.

The light shot onto the ground, forming a bright circle, Ding Ru Kui had already gotten up from bed, he was standing in the circle doing five animal boxing, basking in the sun, exercising his body.

The underground prison  was very humid, the air wasn’t great, Lu Bing started coughing when he got down, Ding Ru Kui passed him a chair and poured him a cup of tea, “Thank you for the Longjing tea, even a prisoner like me awaiting execution can drink such nice tea.”

Lu Bing took the tea to soothe his coughing, looking at Ding Ru Kui, there was sweat on his forehead, rosy complexion, he said: “Lord Ding is in good health.”

Ding Ru Kui saw his face was rather yellow, even his eyelids were droopy, he said: “No matter how busy Lord Lu gets you must take care of your body, I’ve been waiting for execution for ten years because of your protection that’s why I haven’t died these last ten years.”

Lu Bing pretended to not hear the irony, he put down the tea cup and smiled: “Looking at mine and yours health, I’m the prisoner who sees no daylight.”

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1 The phrase to describe someone living off a woman in Chinese is literally “eating soft rice” so without chopsticks (his genitals) how can he eat rice?^↩
2 7am^↩